The Very Secret Diary of Lord Cutler Beckett
by Dunas Priest
Summary: Top secret! Beckett's cute little diary throughout the events of DMC and AWE. Obvious humor and parody.


A/N: Bored enough to write something humorous. How out-of-character for me. 8D Here you go, the totally unfunny Very Secret Diary of Lord Cutler Beckett, since I didn't see any for him. Or rather anyone else. If people like this one, I might do another for maybe Davy Jones or something. (Oh gawds.) c: Though it's probably not that good, my sense of humor isn't sharp. XD

EDIT: My face when someone takes this seriously. William of Ockham: Please know what you're talking about first before saying silly things, kay? This is a _spoof_, it's not serious, and you're being a "retard" if you think of it that way. Have a nice day. `v`

* * *

**DAY 1**

Finally got off damn ship to Port Royal. It rocked too much and I threw up over edge. V. gross. Don't think anyone saw. Pride still mainly intact.

**LATER**

Horse bounced too much on way to wedding. Butt hurts.

**EVEN LATER**

Interrupted a marriage. Swann and Turner pissed. Turner—couldn't care less. Swann is an issue; she is v. v. v. hot. Must regain trust. Oh well. I am v. charming, she will fall for me soon.

Norrington absent. V. odd. Wonder where he went.

**DAY 2**

Had tea. Clumsy maid spilled a little on breeches. V. pissed. Will have her hung later.

**DAY 3**

Chatted w/ Turner. Made a deal w/ him to get me Jack's compass. Turner also refused the drink. Can't stomach his alcohol? It seems Turner is v. wimpy. What does Swann see in him?

Stupid boy asked about mark. Didn't answer. Pride still mainly intact.

**DAY 4**

Talked w/ Gov Swann. He is v. annoying and stupid. Also looks stupid w/o wig.

**DAY 6**

Ms Swann snuck into room and threatened me, making fun of my plans b/c she thought she knew more about the compass than me (she didn't). Oh, and she pointed a gun at me.

SHE POINTED A GUN AT ME.

**LATER**

Mostly calmed down about gun thing. Swann is def. v. sexy up close. Must find way to "woo" her over.

**DAY 10**

Someone made fun of my height. Had him hung.

**DAY 12**

Sugar cube wasn't "cube" enough. Will have sugar cube manufacturer hung. Who makes un-cube sugar cubes? Am v. upset.

**DAY 18**

Mercer looks uglier than usual today. He is scaring away all the women. Am v. pissed. Too bad I can't hang Mercer.

**DAY 20**

Getting bored of sitting around waiting. Had some people hung for fun, but it's becoming dull. Wish there was something to do in Jamaica besides coconuts.

**DAY 25**

OMG! Found extremely pretty, shiny sword. I LOVE IT!

**DAY 26**

Talked w/ Gov Swann. Sword is apparently Norrington's. Suddenly I like it less.

**DAY 30**

Spoke w/ Gov Swann again. Removed shackles off him. He had sores on his wrists. I felt good when I saw them.

Gov Swann turned over his powers to me. Goodie, I can hang people more freely now.

**DAY 33**

Had Gov Swann sign some papers banning rights. This is so fun.

**DAY 34**

Gov Swann almost argued w/ me. How dare he, when my wig is so much better than his.

**DAY 35**

Gov Swann is getting depressed. Must do something to boost morale. Sometimes doesn't want to sign papers. Makes me v. annoyed.

**DAY 45**

Feeling depressed lately.

**DAY 50**

Got Gov Swann a new wig. His was starting to smell, anyway.

**DAY 51**

Gov Swann's old wig starting to look very friendly. No, must not be seen wearing that thing. Pride must be intact. Although his has so many glorious curls.

**DAY 53**

Mercer scared away too much women. Am feeling depraved.

**DAY 57**

Feeling very depraved.

**DAY 60**

Put on Gov Swann's wig. Did not feel any better, and it smells. Took 8 baths but did not feel good. V. miserable.

**DAY 63**

Dug through Ms Swann's closets and found nice dresses.

**LATER**

Almost suffocated from corset. WTF? What are these women wearing?

**AND LATER**

Pink one is not so bad. Too frilly though.

**EVEN LATER**

Wine one is nice. Does not go w/ my complexion though. Makes me look like a tomato.

**AND EVEN LATER**

Maid saw me. Had her hung immediately b/f she could spread rumors. Who said that I can't feel pretty once in a while? Am v. pissed.

**DAY 64**

Decided on favorite dresses. Dark green one really looks nice.

**DAY 66**

Snapped the corset on one. Feeling v. fat. Will lose weight.

**DAY 70**

WTF! Just looked back in prev. entries. Must have been drunk & wasted. Would never wear a dress for real! Pride nonexistent. Must regain!

**LATER**

Had big jolly bonfire. Burned all dresses. And Gov Swann's wig. Pride returning.

**EVEN LATER**

Started weight-loss plan. Maybe being skinnier will make me look taller?

**DAY 77**

Weight-loss plan = HELL.

**LATER**

Pigged out. Forget about it! I like my flub anyway.

**DAY 80**

Norrington came to my office. Ew. He looks like a mess. He needs to shave. And take at least 10 baths.

**LATER**

WTF is that heartbeating noise?

**EVEN LATER**

YES YES YES I GOT THE HEART OF DAVY JONES YES!

**AND EVEN LATER**

Kicked everyone out of office and danced atop desk wearing dress. Will burn said dress later; too happy to do that now. Also gave Davy Jones's heart a quick kiss. It beated back happily. Or maybe it does that all the time.

**DAY 85**

Leaving on voyage to get Davy Jones to do my bidding.

**DAY 90**

Finally found the bugger. His ship is unholy ugly.

**LATER**

OMG WTF HE HAS TENTACLES GROWING OUT OF HIS FACE!

**EVEN LATER**

Brought pimp cane w/ me. Feel v. important when I have it. Anyway, threatened to shoot heart. Jones complied. Having him work as my right-hand man, now. Will have him track down pirates to get info about "Brethren Court."

**DAY 91**

Now that I have Jones, no longer need Mercer. But Mercer is admittedly better-looking than Jones. That squid creature is an unholy chimera. And barnacled. Same with Mr Sharkhead and Seaweed Dreadlocks.

**DAY 92**

Ordered Jones to kill squid-creature. Kraken I think it is. Well, she smells. Don't like doggies that smell.

**DAY 93**

Arrived back at Port Royal. Hate ships. Hate rocking.

**DAY 95**

Got info from messenger. Apparently some song needs to be sung to summon Court. Fine.

**DAY 100**

Tracked down as many people who were ugly as possible. Oh and pirates. But the ugliness and smelliness too. OMG, people here do not know how to take a damn bath. Will make good smell a law later.

**LATER**

Hung them. Can't count how many. They started singing. Feel v. good, Court will be gathered soon. There was a little boy too. I like little boys.

... Not that way of course. What do you think I am?

**DAY 101**

Sent soldiers after Sao Feng. Heard he has nice hot springs and wenches.

**DAY 102**

Have Sao Feng now. Promised him the _Black Pearl_ if he can do my bidding. He has a v. snazzy beard. I like it.

**DAY 103**

Feel good about Norrington. Did a lot for me anyway. Gave him back his shiny sword. Also having him execute Ms Swann for spite. Feeling v. giddy and wish I were there to see it happen.

Hope Swann is sexy when dying.

**DAY 105**

Norrington and Gov Swann talk behind my back a lot. Feeling v. unconfident. Is there a pimple on my chin or something? Cannot figure out why they are talking about me.

**DAY 108**

Yelled at Gov Swann for dropping a blot of ink on paper. Too bad I can't hang him.

**DAY 110**

Left for seas. Need to discipline Jones.

**DAY 112**

Found huge shipwreck on fire. Not a single man left. WTF IS WRONG WITH DAVY JONES?

**LATER**

Brought pimp cane w/ me again. Makes me feel special. Yelled at Jones. Damn loose cannon.

**EVEN LATER**

Gov Swann found out about heart. Annoying.

**DAY 130**

All these days at sea are starting to get to me. Must find solution to seasickness. V. embarrassing. Pride is mostly back since dress scandal but am feeling very shamed.

**DAY 135**

Sao Feng pesters too much. V. jealous of his wenches.

**DAY 140**

Gov Swann asks too many questions about heart. Had him killed. Told everyone I sent him back to London. Particularly Norrington.

**DAY 145**

Found the _Pearl_!

**LATER**

Jack is in my office. Touching my things. He's so—_he's mocking the painting of me_! OMG! How dare he! I really like that painting! It's v. sexy!

**EVEN LATER**

Touching my fan and fanning himself. And acting gay. Sometimes doubt his sexuality. Came too close to me too many times. Hands becoming clammy. Wish I had dresses.

**AND EVEN LATER**

Accidentally said a girly "ah!" when hole was blown into ship. Jack touched my hand. Wiped it off strongly. Feeling v. violated.

**EVEN MORESO LATER**

Jack used cute statue of me to jet himself onto his ship. V. upset. That statue is v. v. v. cute and should not be used for such vulgar things.

**DAY 148**

Found odd bread-crumb trail of bodies on barrels.

**DAY 149**

Found Turner. Clever him. Still think he's wimpy.

**DAY 151**

Turner is pleasant. Don't mind him. Having tea with him.

**LATER**

Summoned Davy Jones. Tentacles are distracting. So is accent. Must—_HE JUST BROKE MY TEACUP._

KILL HIM!

**DAY 152**

Damn Jack called parlay. Had to soil my sexy boots w/ sand. And had to stand next to Davy Jones. I swear one of the tentacles touched me.

**LATER**

Saw Ms Swann up close. Definitely v. hot. Apparently hates me for killing father. Oh well. His glory wig was making me v. angry anyway.

**EVEN LATER**

Hah! Got Jack to stand next to tentacle man. Feeling very prideful.

**AND EVEN LATER**

I've almost won, I've almost won~!

**MUCH LATER**

Brethren have called for battle still. Stupid dumbasses are dead. Had some tea on board; looks like we have good wind. Feeling v. good about myself.

**LATER LATER LATER**

The Flying Dutchman fell. Doesn't matter though, I still have v. big fleet with me.

It's nothing personal, Jack. It's just good business.

**LATEST**

Dutchman somehow survived. Yay! We can take the _Pearl_ two-on-one—wat.

What is it doing? WTF?

...

...Shit.


End file.
